


Letters

by redskittles30



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:36:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redskittles30/pseuds/redskittles30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tobin decides to go back to France and stay full season, Alex and Tobin have to adjust. Their friendship is a special bond and they live through the letters to keep their bond strong. But are the letters themselves sacred? Or do they have to read between the lines?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I am back for another multi-chapter fic. I am testing this idea out so let me know what you think. Is it intriguing? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Should I roll with it or should I write something else? Hmm. Feedback welcomed and appreciated.

“I guess you’re too French for us now.” Alex sighed and turned to look out the window.

“Lex please don’t be like that. As my best friend and as someone who wants to be the best, you have to understand where I am coming from. This is an amazing new chapter. It will be good for my game.” Tobin pleaded.

“I thought you were okay with doing the double season deal.”

“I was, but my game has improved so much from being in Paris. I love the Thorns and playing with my partner in crime, but I only locked in for 2 seasons. Now that the 2 seasons are over, I can decide to resign or decline.” Alex smiled at the partner in crime comment.

“It is really selfish of me and I am sorry, I just love playing with my partner in crime and we benefit so much from your skill. I’m going to miss you so much.” 

Alex smiled sadly and sat on the couch. Tobin walked over and sat next to her and rubbed her back. The two sat in silence for a while not knowing what to say. They have been arguing like an old married couple about Tobin’s decision to go back to France and stay there and not resign for the NWSL. Normally Tobin wouldn’t care so much about the objections of her decision from anyone, but Alex wasn’t just anyone. She was Tobin’s partner in crime, her best friend, her rock. The two had become instant best friends and have been inseparable ever since. Everyone would often tease them for their closeness but it never fazed them. It was always Alex and Tobin and their own little world. And now Tobin was leaving for Paris in one week for GOD knows how long.

“I’m going to miss you so much but you can visit when you have time off and I will be back sometimes too. We have phones and Skype as well so we will never be out of contact. I can promise you that.”

“I know. Still doesn’t mean that I won’t miss you any less. I’m just being selfish because I feel like that’s not enough. And I am keeping your room the same. So when you do visit, it will be like you never left.”

“Sounds like a great idea. Now I won’t have to pack as much stuff. I’ll just leave clothes here and wear them when I come to visit.”

“Yeah because you have so much stuff Toby.” Alex laughed as she rolled her eyes.

“Stop calling me Toby.” Tobin made a face but busted into giggles as she nudged Alex.

“If you hated it as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t let me get away with it.” Alex challenged.

“Yeah yeah whatever you say Lex.”

********************

The week went by quickly much to the displeasure of the girls and it was time to take Tobin to the airport. They loaded her bags into Alex’s car and headed off to the airport. Once everything was checked in, they headed to the security line. Both girls were quiet and lost in their own thoughts. Alex sad to have her missing puzzle piece go missing again and Tobin excited about have a permanent residence in Paris but upset to have it without Alex.

“You don’t have to go. We can go back home and watch movies and have the airport fly your luggage back.” Alex looked down and scuffed her feet on the floor.

“Alex don’t start this.” Tobin warned although entertaining that idea for a quick second and then shaking her head.

“I know I know. I’m going to miss you.” Alex wrapped her arms around Tobin’s neck.

“I’m going to miss you too.” Tobin wrapped her arms tightly around Alex’s waist. 

Alex and Tobin stayed like that for a few moments not wanting to let each other go. What was going to happen when you split up the dream team? Their chemistry on the field was flawless and proved countless times to be dangerous. And then the chemistry off the field was undeniable. The two just worked. A few more moments passed and then Alex pulled back to look at Tobin.

“I have an idea and you may think it’s corny and dumb but I like it!” Tobin furrowed her brows in confusion and Alex pressed on. “I know we have phones and Skype, but let’s write letters! They are handwritten and personal. If I have something personal and handwritten, it’s like a piece of you is with me when you are not here. Well that and I stole your blue UNC hoodie, and a pair of sweatpants.” Alex smiled widely but nervousness flashed in her eyes at the thought of Tobin not going for it and for stealing her favorite hoodie. To her pleasure, Tobin flashed Alex her signature grin.

“I love it. I think it is a wonderful idea. And when did you take those; probably when I was taking a nap. I need to stop napping. Just kidding, we both know I won’t stop napping. It’s okay, I’ll let it slide. Mainly because your favorite Cal hoodie and a pair of soccer shorts are in one of my bags on the plane.” 

Alex and Tobin laughed as they hugged one more time and then they heard Tobin’s flight being called to board in 15 minutes.

“Well this is it. Love ya Lex and I’ll call once I land.”

“Love you Toby. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The duo hugged once more and Tobin wiped a lone tear away from Alex’s face and pulled away to head through security. With one last look back at Alex, Tobin headed towards the gate and Alex headed to her car.

On the plane, Tobin took out a sheet of paper and pen and decided to be the first. 

_Baby Horse,_

_I don’t want to sound like a dork or a weirdo, but I already wanted to start our letters. I just left you and now I am sitting on a long plane ride. I have the window seat and it reminded me on how we used to fight about who got the window seat and then eventually settled on switching on and off who got it. I am sitting next to this older gentleman who reeks of old man cologne and in a fancy business suit. I feel underdressed for this plane ride. I miss you already. Is that sad? I know you don’t want to hear this but I really am excited for Paris. I mean I am about to see what a full season looks like for this team. Hopefully we will win Champions League and all that fun stuff. I’ll send you links and you can watch me play! I’ll need links to your games as well. Got to cheer on the bestie! Being across the world will not stop me. You know what else I am excited for? For you to come visit on time off and I can show you around Paris. I know we will have so much fun and go on so many adventures. I don’t know how long to make this so I’ll leave this for now. I’ll try to sleep but I probably won’t so I’ll watch a movie or read or something. I’ll talk with you soon._

_Love,_

_Nutmeg Queen :P_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's dragging a little bit, but things will heat up I promise :)

Feeling an arm tighten around her waist, Alex peaked an eye open to see Servando lying next to her. Smiling, she kissed him and his eyes fluttered open.

“Morning babe.” He mumbled sleepily.

“Morning.” She smiled at him and snuggled into him.

“I’m going to make coffee.” Alex hummed in an approval and Servando kissed her quickly before getting up to go make the coffee.

10 minute later, Alex got up to Servando calling her name. When she entered the kitchen, he told her the mail was on the table and she got a letter from Tobin. Squealing, Alex scooped up the letter and her coffee cup and headed to the balcony of her apartment. After reading the letter written in Tobin’s messy scrawl, she couldn’t help the smile creeping on her lips. She missed Tobin so much and wasn’t sure how she could manage with her favorite midfielder across the world. Sure she had her boyfriend, but Tobin filled a void that no one else could fill. Tobin knew everything about her and was the perfect listener. She knew when to stay quiet and knew when to put her input in. She always took her side but was never afraid to call Alex out and tell her she was wrong when the forward would insist she was right. Despite there being no such thing as perfect, Alex would disagree. To her, Tobin was literally the perfect best friend. And this distance thing was not much help. Alex understood Tobin’s reasons for leaving, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t miss her any less because of them. The sound of the glass door opening broke Alex from her thoughts.

“Hey Al? I’m going to shower and get ready, then you can and we can head out for the day. What do you say?”

“Sure thing Serv. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Once Servando had disappeared, Alex turned her attention back to the letter in her hands. Figuring that she has some time before he was done and it was her turn, she would write Tobin back. Alex placed the letter in a box in her closet and thought it was the perfect place to keep her letters. She grabbed a black marker and wrote “Tobin’s Letters” and then went to her desk. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, she sat down and wrote to Tobin.

_February 3 rd, 2015_

_Dear “Nutmeg Queen,”_

_Wow your letter came fast. It’s only been three days since you told me on Skype you wrote me one. I miss you lots. It’s only been 5 days but it feels like it’s been so much longer. How’s Paris? Did you try escargot yet? Yuck! I know that is their culture, but I could never imagine eating snails. How is everyone doing? I’m sure Lindsey is excited for you to be back. Little jealous that she is your roommate now and you left me. Thanks for that one! Anyway, how does it feel to be back in Paris? Wow I feel like I ask you the same question just 5 million different ways. Yes I did just exaggerate a little but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss it. Serv and I are going out today. He slept over so now we are going to chill out for the day. Maybe some shopping or the beach I’m guessing. I know if you were here you would pick the beach. You’re such a beach bum. How will you survive without your beach fixes? Miss you lots buddy and I will talk to you soon. Definitely before you get this letter haha. Talk to you later!_

_Love,  
“Baby Horse”_

Just as Alex was putting a stamp on the envelope, Servando emerged from the bathroom freshly dressed.

“Hey Al, you’re up. I’ll be in the living room watching the Liverpool game.”

“Okay thanks Serv!”

Alex put her letter by her purse and went to get ready for her day with Servando.

***Meanwhile in Paris***

“Tobs let’s go to the café! I am starving!” Lindsey complained as she clutched her stomach.

“You know I am always down for food!” Tobin laughed as the two headed out of the locker room. Tobin and Lindsey had an early morning practice that ended up taking the rest of the morning into the early afternoon. With it being 2 pm, the girls headed to their favorite café to have lunch. After grabbing food and enjoying the warm Paris day walking around the city, the two retreated back to the apartment for some R&R. Halfway into the second movie her and Lindsey chose to watch, she sent a text to Alex.

**Tobin: watching Pitch Perfect. Lindsey is great but it’s not the same to see this movie without you and Kelley :( haha**

A minute later Tobin’s phone vibrated signaling a new message. She smiled down at the speedy response. Alex was always a fast replier. Well when it came to Tobin at least.

**Alex: Duh because we are the best but how dare you watch it without me! Ps. I sent you a letter today :)**

**Tobin: I’m sorry! We will watch it the next time we are together. And really? I’m excited!**

**Alex: I’ll forgive you this time. Can’t wait when we find some time that is convenient for both of us. And you should be. Well I gotta go but I’ll talk with you later. Love and miss ya bye!**

**Tobin: Me either! Love and miss ya too!**

Tobin who was now grinning, threw her phone next to her on the couch and turned back to the movie. Lindsey gave her weird look but didn’t comment on Tobin’s mood and turned back to the movie as well.

A week later after another practice, Tobin and Lindsey stopped at their mailbox in the lobby before heading up. Junk mail, junk mail, bill, Alex’s letter, bill, magazine. ALEX’S LETTER! She handed the rest of the mail to Lindsey and gripped the letter in her hand.

“Ohhh whatcha got there Tobster?” Lindsey questioned.

“Oh just a letter from Alex.” Tobin tried to hide her smile but failed. Lindsey didn’t comment on it however and only smiled before heading for the stairs.

Once in the apartment, the girls kicked off their shoes and headed to their respective rooms. Tobin dropped her practice stuff to the floor and jumped on her bed to sprawl out. She opened the letter and continued to read. After giggling and smiling, Tobin put the letter down and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. She really missed Alex; there was no doubt about that. She knew she was making the right decision to play full season for PSG, but she truly missed having her partner in crime. However, France is where she needed to be. Tobin was at the peak of her game and she was really going places. She was getting more starts and her skill level seemed to increase every day. Tobin wanted to reply to Alex but she was too tired so she put the letter on her bedside table and took a nap instead. She promised herself she would reply once up.

A few hours later, Tobin had stirred when Lindsey knocked on the door asking about dinner. The two decided to order in and catch the replay of the PSG men’s game. After the game, Tobin excused herself and went to her room to reply to Alex.

_February 10th, 2015_

_Dearest Alex,_

_Paris is great! I am learning a lot and Lindsey is showing me all the spots they don’t tell you about in the tourist books. It’s cold and rainy one day and then warm and sunny the next but still awesome never the less. No I haven’t tried escargot. For once, I have to agree with you. I can’t imagine myself eating snails. Didn’t try them the first time I was here, don’t really plan on it this time around haha. Oh! Yesterday Lindsey took me downtown and it reminded me of Portland. The strips of shops in downtown Paris remind me so much of the shops back in Portland. Walking around with her reminds me of exploring Portland with you. It makes me miss you a little bit. Not a lot, just a tad bit :P Anyway, you know me so well. Of course I would always choose the beach; shopping is not that fun. Actually it’s not really fun at all. You know I only go shopping when it’s necessary or if I am with someone that wants to go and I just agree to go. Surfing at the beach is where I much rather be at. I don’t know what I am going to do while I am here, but I will get to a beach one way or another don’t you worry. Well I am going to go for now. I am really tired and the bed is calling my name. I’ll talk to you later. Bye Lex!_

_Love,_  
  
 _Tobin_

After addressing and stamping the envelope, Tobin left the letter on her desk and got ready for bed. Jumping under the covers, she plugged her phone into the charger and settled in. Staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes, Tobin reached over and grabbed her phone and opened up Alex’s message box.

**Tobin: About to go to bed. Letter is written and getting sent in the morning. Good night :)**

She placed her phone back on the table, turned over, and fell asleep with a tiny smile on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad news and Betrayal

“No! No! No! This can’t be real right now!” Tobin half pleaded and half yelled.

“I’m sorry Tobs but you need to get better so you can play with us again.” Lindsey tried to calm Tobin down.

“I know Linds but 6 weeks of no soccer? This means I can’t play with you girls. I can’t better my game!” The two were quiet for a moment.

“I can’t go to the states and play with the national team.” Tobin deflated.

“I’m sorry Tobin.” The two fell silent again.

Lindsey knew it was more than just not playing soccer that was bringing Tobin down. Sure not playing soccer for PSG because of an ankle injury was devastating, but not playing soccer also meant something almost as depressing. No soccer meant not going to the states to play with the national team. Not going to the states meant no Alex. And to Tobin, no Alex was almost as bad as no soccer. Lindsey knew that, but she didn’t express that to Tobin. It would only make the midfielder feel worse. The two ordered in dinner and watched TV for a while before Tobin excused herself to her room for the night.

Tobin got ready for bed and put on Alex’s Cal hoodie and stood by the window overlooking the city. So many thoughts ran through her mind and she was frustrated. After staring out for a while, Tobin went to her desk and grabbed paper and a pen. 

_May 12 th, 2015_

_Dear Lex,_

_I miss you a lot. I know I tell you every time we talk and write but I feel like I can’t say it enough. I miss my partner in crime. Anyway, I got some terrible news today. My ankle injury isn’t doing as well as I thought and I am going to be out for 6 weeks. Do you know what it is going to be like to be me and be away from soccer for 6 weeks? Haha, of course you do. You know how my mind works. So yeah, this leave is not cool. I can’t play for PSG and I can’t play for the national team. I didn’t want to admit it to myself but there is no ignoring it. No national team play means no Alex and Tobin time. I was really looking forward to seeing you in person. Even though we talk all the time, I feel like we have so much to catch up. Plus I owe you a Pitch Perfect movie date since I watched it without you. It sucks that we haven’t found time for either you to visit or me to visit. It sucks even more that now with this injury that it is going to be longer without seeing you. I don’t know what to do here Lex. Soccer is everything and I know how injuries go. They come with the nature of the profession, but it still sucks. I just want to play soccer and continue to improve my game. It’s not fair! I really thought that I was at the place I really wanted to be. You know I always trust the big man upstairs, but why now? I am at the peak of the season and I am playing some of the best soccer I have ever played. Maybe I am over exaggerating. I know that it is in my best interest to take the 6 weeks of rehab seriously so I can come back stronger and better. And hey, the faster I recover, the closer I will be to seeing my best friend :) I’m sorry that I am dumping all this in our letters, but I always feel so much better when I write to you. So thank you. I’ll talk with you soon. Love you._

_Love,  
Toby_

Tobin smiled down at the letter, addressed and stamped it, and turned the desk lamp light off. She crawled into bed and stared at ceiling. She always felt better when she talked to Alex. Whether it was on Skype, via the phone, or their beloved letters, Alex was always a lifeline to Tobin. Tobin sighed and rolled over and drifted off to sleep.

***Back in Portland***

It’s been a few days since Alex has talked with Tobin and she was getting a little anxious. After the nonstop communication with the midfielder, Alex was not used to the silence. For 3 days she would stalk the mailman and nearly pounce on him when he did eventually show up with the mail. On the fourth day, Alex didn’t bother to look for the mail. Finally on the 5th day, when Servando had slept over and woke up first, he went to the mailbox and alerted Alex that she had a letter. Alex nearly knocked him down when she lunged toward him to retrieve the letter.

“Whoa calm down Alex, it’s just a letter.” Tobin caught himself before he fell over. Alex glared at him already frustrated with not talking to Tobin for a few days.

“Don’t you say that! They aren’t just letters. She is my best friend and this is a way of feeling like she is here. Something handwritten is more personal than a typed email. Sometimes I feel like Tobin is right here when I read her words. She is my best friend and you know that. So no, they aren’t just letters.” Alex spat and locked herself in her room. She sat on the bed up by the headboard and began to read to the letter.

At first, Alex didn’t know how to feel. First she was anxious, then worried, then mad, then just flat out sad. She read the letter a second time and wiped away a few tears as they threatened to fall. Alex got up and headed to her closet and pulled out the box that was filled with letters from Tobin. She sat down against the wall and thumbed through all of the letters smiling a little; a whole bunch of Tobin in one box. She couldn’t explain what she was feeling but chalked it up to really missing her best friend. Then she heard a knock on the door.

“Alex I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call it just a letter. I know you and Tobin are best friends and you really miss her. Hell, I even miss the goofiness. Please forgive me.” Servando called from the other side of the door.

Alex pushed the box into the closet, opened up the door and smiled up at her boyfriend.

“It’s okay Serv. Don’t let it happen again.” Servando returned the smile and the two got ready for bed.

The next morning Alex woke up to commotion and saw Servando standing by the window. She smiled at the sight of him until she looked at his hands. She saw what looked like a piece of paper and furrowed her eyebrows.

“Hey Serv, whatcha got there?” 

“Oh hey, morning babe. I found your letter on the floor. I went to pick it up and put it on your desk but my eye caught the word injury so I read a tiny bit. That really sucks that Tobin is injured and out for so long especially since she can’t play with the national team. She must be going crazy not being able to play and I know you miss her a lot.”

Alex sat straight up in bed and narrowed her eyes at Servando. All she could focus on was the fact that he read her letter. _Her_ letter. Not his letter. Her letter.

“Y-you read MY letter?” Alex asked incredulously. 

“No not all of it, just the part about her being injured. I was about to put it on your desk then you woke up.” Servando stated nonchalantly as he pointed to her desk.

“But you read my letter.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

“Yeah but not all of it.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“How dare you read MY letter? That is my business and my business only. Does it say “To Servando?” No! It says to Alex. So what makes you think you can read it?!” Alex spat.

“Whoa, relax Alex. It’s no big deal. I didn’t read all of it! I only ready about her being injured. I feel bad for the girl.” He reasoned.

“I don’t fucking care if you didn’t read all of it. The fact that you read even a tiny part is rubbing me the wrong way. These letters are mine. They are for my eyes and my eyes only. How dare you disrespect me like this?!” Alex was breathing hard and her bright blue eyes were set ablaze with fire.

“Alex I am your fucking boyfriend and we don’t keep secrets from each other. You make it sound like you have this big secret that you and Tobin share. All I read was that the girl was injured. That’s it! You’re making this a big deal for nothing!” Servando challenged. This only set more fire inside Alex.

“No, the problem is you don’t get it. You don’t realize that you are wrong. You read something that wasn’t yours. And instead of apologizing you just keep making bullshit excuses and bullshit reasons to try to make it sound like you’re innocent. The truth of the matter is you are wrong. You are SO wrong. You disrespected me and I feel so violated. You violated my privacy! You need to leave. Like right now.” 

“Alex please-“

“GET. THE FUCK. OUT OF. MY HOUSE.” Alex screamed.

Without another word, Servando grabbed his bag and left. Alex sat on the ground by her closet with the letter in her hands and let a few tears roll down her cheeks. She sat in silence for a while replaying the pervious scene in her head. How could Servando do that? She may have overreacted a little bit but these were her letters from Tobin. Each letter was a piece of Tobin and Alex selfishly did not want to share. Despite that thought, why did she get so mad though? A little while longer, Alex got up from the floor and went over to her desk.

_May 17 th, 2015_

_Dear Toby,_

_Man did your last letter suck for many reasons. The major one is you being injured. I don’t like when you’re hurt. I especially don’t like knowing that you’re hurt and I can’t be there to help you. Second is the fact that it’s been three months since I’ve seen I you and now it is going to be longer. I really miss you and I hate you being across the world. Yeah I know it’s what’s best for you, but it doesn’t mean I can’t miss you. Playing with the national team without you is not going to be the same. It’s different because you’re not just sitting on the sidelines for the game. You are not playing because you are not physically there. I can’t look to the bench and see you when we celebrate scoring a goal. Ugh I hate this. Wow look at me making this about me. I am so sorry. After the international friendly with the team, I am making it a point to hopefully see you sometime soon after. Skype and phone calls are just not making the cut anymore. Sure we have these letters, but I want more. Yes I am being greedy, but you’re my Toby! Speaking of the nickname Toby, after your terrible news filled letter, it made me smile that you signed the letter with Toby. I know you hate it but I love how I can get away with saying it. Anyway, Servando and I got into a huge argument. He knows that you’re injured and he feels bad that you are but I am mad. He knows about your injury because he violated my privacy and read your letter. He claims he didn’t read all of it, just the part of you being injured. I like don’t know how to feel. These are my letters! Not his! Ugh, I just can’t right now. I can’t wait until our next Skype session. Miss you lots and love you._

_Love,  
Lex_

Alex looked over the letter and placed it in the already addressed and stamped envelope. She sighed and headed to her bed and got under the covers. It was all too much for her at the moment. She had huge fight with Servando and she wanted nothing more than to curl up with her best friend and watch a funny movie. Alex turned over and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving in with him, meant moving out with her.....Silence is louder than actual noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a few days. I kind of lost my way for this story. I sort of regrouped and came back into it. There are only a few chapters left and hopefully they aren't too horrible haha. Feedback welcomed and appreciated.

_It should be here! It’s 3:30! Where is the damn mailman?!_

Tobin has been pacing back and forth in front of the apartment window for the past half hour and it was starting to get to Lindsey.

“Tobs you need to stop pacing back and forth. You are making me dizzy and when I am not looking at you, somehow you make enough noise for me to know you keep moving around.”

Tobin stopped to say something, but just kept pacing while staring down Lindsey with a glare.

“The mail is supposed to come at 3! It’s now 3:45!” Tobin half yelled.

“Chill buddy. The mailman will get here when the mailman gets here. You’re waiting for a letter, not an organ or something.”

“It’s not just a letter Lindsey. You don’t understand and you don’t have too.” Tobin snipped as she continued to paced back and forth.

Tobin was right; Lindsey didn’t understand the importance of the letters her and Alex send back and forth once Tobin left for France. Hell, she never understood their friendship. All she knew was that they were inseparable and in their own world half the time. It was always a surprise when “Snippy Tobin” showed up because of the usual chill and calm presence of the midfielder. Lindsey sighed and retreated to her bedroom.

Tobin kept pacing back and forth for a few more minutes when finally she caught a glimpse of a mail truck. She grabbed her keys and ran out of the apartment and down to the lobby. Once she reached the lobby, she went straight to her and Lindsey’s mailbox and huffed loud enough for the mailman to hear her annoyance. Scooping up the mail, Tobin took off back to the apartment. After getting inside, she threw the rest of the mail haphazardly on the counter and headed straight to her room and shut the door. Tobin propped herself against her headboard, carefully opened the letter and began to read.

After reading the letter, Tobin’s jaw dropped. She didn’t know whether to be mad at Servando for reading the letter or at Alex leaving the letter on the floor. A second later Tobin laughed to herself. Of course she can’t be mad at Alex; it’s Alex. Then she got angrier. How could Servando be so stupid and think it was no big deal that he read her letter to Alex even if it was just a part of it. It is wrong to invade someone’s personal business in any sense. The fact that it was Alex and Tobin’s personal business was even worse. She let out a frustrated sigh and went to stare out the window.

“Hey Tobs, do you want dinner?” Lindsey rapped on the door.

“Yeah be right out!” Tobin shouted from the other side.

Tobin left the window where she was people watching on the street below when she heard Lindsey. They walked out of the apartment and headed to the Lobby. Tobin dropped the letter into the mailbox, and the duo headed towards a restaurant downtown.

After dinner, it was an unusually warm night in Paris so the girls decided to walk around. The pair walked around in silence for a little while before Lindsey cleared her throat.

“Uh hey Tobin, I am sorry about earlier. If you don’t mind, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure what’s up?”

“I know you said I don’t have to understand but I am a little curious. What’s up with the letters between you and Alex? Why not just talk on the phone or Skype?” Lindsey asked but looked away unsure how Tobin was going to react given her lash out earlier that morning.

Tobin looked at her guiltily but then smiled.

“I’m sorry for this morning Linds. And Alex is my best friend so I miss her a lot. She has really been a support system for me as I have been with her. We clicked immediately and we have just had an incredible bond on and off the field. We do Skype and talk on the phone, but we both love the letters. They are handwritten which gives it an extra personal touch and it’s like we are giving a piece of ourselves into the letters. I don’t know. It’s special. She is my best friend… Well in America anyway.” Tobin beamed and nudged Lindsey’s shoulder.

Satisfied for now with Tobin’s answer, the girls continued to walk. They made small talk for a while before heading back to the apartment. It was getting late and they had practice in the morning. The two soccer players headed to their respective rooms before Lindsey spoke before heading into hers.

“Thanks Tobin for sharing that with me earlier. I know it’s like a special bond between you two and I feel honored. I didn’t mean to intrude.” She smiled.

“You’re welcome. See you in the morning pal.” She smiled back and the two headed into their rooms.

_May 28 th, 2015_

_Sweet Lex,_

_I’m not going to lie but I did get a little angry when I read that Servando read my letter. These things are for your eyes and yours eyes only. And what was it doing just lying on the floor missy?! I’ll let it slide this time. Who am I kidding; I can never get mad when it comes to you. The only thing saving Servando from total Tobin wrath is the fact that he was worried too. He can be sweet sometimes… I guess haha. Any who, my ankle is still bothering me but I don’t know how much more of this away time from the field I can take. I just want to play again. Also, I watched you and the team play New Zealand a couple days ago. Good job and great goal! That goal was for me wasn’t it? Even if you try to lie, I know it was secretly for me :P I really miss you Lex and now that the game is over with, you should figure out when you are coming to see me. I liked the sound of the plan so I am not letting you forget about it. It’s been 3 months without my best friend and it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, Lindsey is great, but she is not you. Well I am off to bed and I will talk you with you soon. Love you._

_Love,  
Tobs_

Tobin got ready for bed and grabbed the letter from Alex and snuggled under the sheets. She stared at the ceiling for a while clutching the letter with a smile never leaving her face before she finally fell asleep.

***Meanwhile in Portland***

It’s been a few days since Alex has talked to Servando. But it wasn’t because the lack of trying on Servando’s part. No, Servando has been texting and calling Alex nonstop but the forward just couldn’t bring herself to answer the phone. Sure she missed her boyfriend, but the fact of the matter was still fresh in her mind; Servando broke trust and she was going to make him sweat it out. She had to push all nonsense aside because the New Zealand game was fast approaching.

Game day had come and she was playing some of the best soccer she has ever played. She didn’t know whether to thank Servando for making her mad and her frustration was the fuel to her fire or because she missed a certain brunette midfielder and wanted to make her proud. Alex had no idea if Tobin would be watching or not, but decided to play like she was there with her. After 85 minutes, the score was tied 1-1. Her legs felt heavy and her breathing was ragged. _Come on Morgan. Just 5 more minutes plus stoppage time_ she thought to herself. As Sydney ran up top and saw 2 on coming defenders, she passed the ball to Alex but it was blocked by a New Zealand player and went out for a corner. Everyone lined up and HAO situated to set the corner up. The whistle blew and HAO sent a beautiful and perfectly executed cross in and Alex headed it into the back of the net. Her teammates ran up to her and all screamed and cheered for Alex. Alex celebrated and then looked towards the risen moon above the stadium.

_That was for you Toby._

Alex smiled and continued to play and celebrated with the team once the final whistle blew signaling the end of the game and their 2-1 victory over New Zealand. She went to bed that night feeling great from the win but still couldn’t help but still miss a certain midfielder as she fell asleep.

Alex woke up the next morning to someone knocking on her front door. Sleepily, she rubbed her eyes and headed to answer. What she wasn’t expecting was Servando to be standing on the other side.

“Alex before you shut the door please listen. I know you’ve been ignoring me and I am the last person you want to see but please let me come in and talk with you. Give me 10 minutes and if you’re still mad, I will walk away and give you any amount of space you want.” Servando pleaded as he shifted his weight from foot to foot.

She was exhausted and tired of the silent game so she sighed and stepped aside.

“Fine, you have 10 minutes.”

Servando visibly brightened a little bit and headed inside. Alex shut the door and the two headed into the living room. Both sat down on the couch on opposite ends and Alex turned to Servando and gave him a look to cue him to start speaking. Servando faced Alex fully, cleared his throat, and began talking.

“First of all you were right. It was extremely wrong of me to read your letter. When I found it on the ground I should have either left it there or put it right on your desk. I was curious when I read injured and against my better judgment I read it. However, I swear I only read the part about Tobin being hurt and away from soccer for 6 weeks. Granted, it was still wrong and I shouldn’t have read any part of the letter. For that I am sorry. I am sorry that I also acted like it was no big deal. I know that these letters are extremely special to you and I would never try to intrude and I didn’t mean to call it a secret. I know you would never keep anything from me that would be hurtful or anything like that. I really hope you can forgive me because I miss you Lex. Fighting with you is the worst.” Servando looked at Alex the whole time and then found interest in his hands. He fiddled with his fingers and then heard Alex sigh.

“I do accept your apology Serv but I really do hope you are truthful and really understand that it was wrong of you to do. I would never keep something hurtful from you. You know Tobin’s friendship means the world to me alongside of you. I don’t like fighting with you either. It wasn’t a walk in the park to constantly ignore you. You are very persistent you know.” Alex smiled and Servando visibly relaxed and returned the smile.

“Good, I love you Alex. I’m glad this went well because I have something to ask you.” Alex quirked her eyebrow so he continued.

“After the season ends with Portland, I would like for you to move in with me permanently. Not this whole week here week there type of thing.” He seemed nervous as he held his breath staring at Alex.

Alex on the other hand just stared at him without really saying anything. She opened and closed her mouth a few times and no words came out. Finally she found her voice.

“Wow that is a big next step for us. Can I have some time and then let you know?”

“Of course. I got to go but I’ll text you later. Love you.” With that Servando kissed her and left the apartment.

For the rest of the day, Alex decided to stay in her apartment. She thought long and hard about Servando’s request and she really had no idea what to do. Of course she loved her boyfriend and wanted nothing more than to take the next step, but moving in with him meant so many different things. The main and most important concern for her was Tobin. Sure it should be an easy choice, but it wasn’t to Alex. Tobin has always been there for her through the best times and the worst times. She was there for Alex during her injury, nursed her when she was sick, and was always trying to put a smile on the forward’s face. When she and Servando did get into fights, Tobin was always there for her. This meant no more random movie nights tucked into Tobin’s side cozy and warm because of the natural heat Tobin gave off. No more lazy days at the beach whenever they wanted. Everything would stop being spontaneous and start being planned. Alex had to check into reality and grasp the concept laid out for her; Moving in with **him,** meant moving out with **her.**

Overwhelmed, Alex got ready for bed and tossed and turned until she fell into restless sleep.

The next morning Alex woke up with a clearer head. After having really random dreams, somehow she came up with a decision. She sent a text to Servando and then got ready for the day before she wrote Tobin.

**Alex: I accept your offer on one condition. You know how important my friendship with Tobin is. I would love to move in with you… if we can have a spare bedroom for when Tobin comes to visit.**

Alex headed for the shower and a half hour later emerged back into her bedroom freshly dressed. She checked her phone and saw that Servando replied.

**Serv <3: Why am I not surprised? But I accept your condition. I can’t wait to permanently live with you :) love you**

**Alex: Good and me either. Love you too :)**

With a huge smile, Alex felt relieved and sat at her desk to write Tobin.

_April 4 th, 2015_

_My favorite midfielder,_

_You’re so cocky but you are right. That goal was totally for you. I wasn’t sure if you were watching or not but wanted to play like you were. And I know how you are feeling. These 3 months have been the worst. Want to know the sad part? It’s been 3 months and sometimes when I come home from practice, I go to your room to see if you’re in there asleep like always. Even though I know you’re in France, sometimes I wish it wasn’t true and I would find you asleep on your stomach with your mouth slightly opened snoring away. You sleep way to much by the way :P I miss you so much. I can’t wait to visit you. Anyway, I have some good news that is slightly bad but I have it all figured out. Serv and I have made up and he actually asked me to move in with him at the end of the NWSL season. Since you are probably going back to Paris, I figured it was a good time. That’s the bad part. The good part is I told him I would only move in if we got a place with a spare bedroom so you have somewhere to stay whenever you visit. (Which better be a lot more than what you’ve been doing which is not visiting me! Haha.) That is the good part. It wasn’t easy to come to the decision I must admit. You mean so much to me Tobin, and you have always been there for me. To not wake up every day and know you are not a room away is unsettling. No more random movie nights, no more random beach days, no more random lazy days. Everything now has to be planned and that sucks but at least when you come visit it will be like we are still in the apartment together. So it’s bittersweet really. I am moving to the next step in my relationship, but I don’t have my partner in crime 24/7 anymore. But don’t worry; I am super confident that we will make it work because it’s us. We always work. Well that’s it for now. I’ll talk with you soon. Love you Tobs._

_Love,  
Your favorite forward_

Alex smiled down at the letter, got it ready, and headed out for her day of fun with Kelley.

***Back in Paris 6 days later***

Tobin and Lindsey were coming home from morning practice when they stopped at their mailbox in the lobby like they always did. Lindsey thumbed through the mail and handed Alex’s letter to Tobin. Tobin smiled and the two headed up to the apartment.

Tobin went to her room, dropped her stuff, and plopped on the bed. Stretching out, she rolled onto her stomach and propped herself onto her elbows to read the letter. She grinned at the fact that Alex still looked for her in the apartment. As she read the letter, her grinned disappeared from her face. When Tobin was done reading the letter for the 4th time, her gaze went back and lingered on one part. _Serv and I have made up and he actually asked me to move in with him at the end of the NWSL season._ Tobin felt so many emotions run through her. But the one emotion that was making its presence known the most and confused her the most was jealousy. Jealous? Was she really jealous that she no longer got to live with her best friend? But it’s her boyfriend, she shouldn’t be jealous. She did smile however that Alex made a condition based on their friendship as terms for moving in with him. They had to have a bedroom for her to stay in when she visited. Then she got angry: Angry at Alex for leaving, angry at Servando for making her choose to leave, and finally angry at herself for having these thoughts and feelings when she should be happy for her best friend.

Tobin put the letter on the bed and got up to stand by the window and stare out. All the hustle and bustle on the streets seems to distract her… for a while. Then she was brought back to reality of the letter and the situation she was faced with. She knew she was being irrational, but her mind was on overdrive and had no time to think rationally and make sense. Did she say yes to moving in right away? Did she take some time? How much time did she take if she did need time? Tobin’s brain raced a mile a minute as she paced back and forth. She said it was a hard decision, but exactly how hard was it for her? Finally Tobin felt overwhelmed and did the one thing she thought she never would do. She went to the bed, picked up the letter, crumpled it, and threw it in the trashcan.

Tobin threw the letter away. She metaphorically threw a piece of Alex away. Just like how she convinced herself Alex threw a piece of Tobin away.

And that’s the moment when the silence on Tobin’s end started; Silence that became louder than any other noise possible.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want answers, you got to take the initiative.

12 missed and unreturned calls.

**Yo it’s Tobin. You know what to do.**

Make that 13 missed and unreturned calls.

Tobin groaned at her ringing phone, put it on silent, and went to sit on the floor by her closet. She knew the silence was her fault, but why did it hurt as bad as if Alex was doing the ignoring? Of course she knew why, she felt guilty; guilty of the fact that she threw Alex’s letter away. Tobin sat there next to the box she kept Alex’s letters in and smiled sadly down at it. She really missed the forward but she felt like she was drowning in her own mind and she couldn’t surface. Why had she gotten so mad and jealous of Servando?  He was the boyfriend and she was the best friend; plain and simple. So why did it feel like she was missing the bigger picture?

Refocusing back to reality, Tobin stared down at the newest letter addition to her collection. Tobin had read it already. She read every text message Alex sent and listened to every voicemail she left so yes she read the letter too. She traced the outline of the folded letter a few times before sighing and unfolding it.

_April 21 st, 2015_

_Dear Tobin,_

_I am getting really worried and frustrated not hearing from you. Did I do something wrong? Even if you are really busy with PSG and being all French across the world away from me, we always make time for each other. You never answer my calls or texts or return them for that matter. I don’t get to see you on Skype and worst of all I don’t get to read your thoughts through your messy handwriting. What happened?  Are you okay? I really miss you Tobs and I really hate the not talking to you part. At the end of the day, the one person I want to talk to most is not talking to me and I don’t like it or know how to handle it. I feel like I am losing the one person who means the most to me. Do you want to know a secret? This silent treatment has taught me something. More often than not, I feel like losing you would be more devastating than losing Servando. We fought a few times about me “overreacting” to you not talking to me. I personally don’t think I am overreacting at all. One time I was mean and told him I didn’t like him and wouldn’t talk to him for a few days. My boyfriend, who wants me to move in with him, was easy to not talk for a few days; but I am losing my shit not talking to you. That’s what scares me. I have no idea what’s up with you and I really hope we fix whatever this is because I need you Tobin. I need you to be in my life. I love you. Miss you lots._

_Love,  
Alex_

Tobin didn’t know she was crying until two small droplets of water fell onto the paper. She quickly wiped at her eyes and placed the newest letter into the box. It was moments like these that made Tobin want to find the garbage center and dig through all the trash to find the letter she threw away. Because that was the difference between the letter and everything else; it wasn’t trash and Tobin stupidly threw it away in a moment of blinded rage. A stupid move and she knew she would regret throwing that letter away and Tobin rarely regretted anything. With every missed call, every I miss you text message, every please answer text message, Tobin’s heart breaks a little more. Pushing the box into the closet, Tobin stood up to grab her coat and shoes, and headed out for a walk ignoring a questioning Lindsey on the way out. She needed peace and alone time, and she would only get that at the park down the street because her room was a constant and painful reminder of her stupidity and the situation she was in.

*****A couple Weeks later in Portland*****

**Yo it’s Tobin. You know what to do.**

_“God damn it Tobin!”_  Alex whispered into the empty room.

Alex threw her phone in frustration and laid down to stare at the ceiling. It’s been a month since she has talked to Tobin and it was starting to eat away at her. After she sent her letter, it was like Tobin had fallen off the face of the earth. No more texts or phone calls, no more Skype sessions, and worst of all? No more letters. Alex missed the letters the most. She missed the messy handwriting that wrote the words only Tobin could speak. Maybe Tobin got really busy with PSG? But this is Alex and Tobin we are talking about. They ALWAYS made time for each other. When Alex was going to bed, Tobin was either already asleep or waking up but that didn’t matter. Tobin always answered the phone. Alex wrote another letter after 2 weeks of silence from the midfielder. When nothing came back in the mail, Alex got angry and desperate. What happened to Tobin? What happened to _them?_

Suddenly Alex sat up in bed and grabbed her laptop from the bedside table. She checked the calendar on her phone and then focused back on the laptop.

_If you don’t **WANT** to talk to me, I’ll **MAKE** you talk to me._ Alex thought as she typed wildly on her computer. 15 minutes later, Alex booked herself a flight to Paris for the next morning.

Later that night, Servando had come over to take Alex to dinner when he noticed a suitcase by the front door.

“Hey babe, what up with the suitcase?” He quirked an eyebrow at her.

“Oh I am flying to Paris tomorrow to find out what’s up with Tobin. You know that I haven’t talked to her in a month, so I am going to find out personally what’s up. I hope she is just busy and nothing is wrong.” Alex replied as she came out of the bedroom.

“While I hope Tobin is okay, you’re just going to fly across the world just to find out?” 

“Yes. I am worried about her, she is my best friend, and I have a week off of no commitments. It’s the perfect time.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Don’t you think you should have asked me first?” He crossed his arms.

“I didn’t think I had to.” She crossed her arms back at him.

“Hmm, you didn’t think to tell your _boyfriend_ that you were going on a trip across the world. So say I called you tomorrow night and was like hey babe, want to go a movie? Your response would be like oh sorry, I am in Paris. And you see nothing wrong with that?” He challenged.

“First of all, I was actually going to tell you tonight at dinner. Second of all, you are not my keeper and I don’t have to report to you anytime I want to do something. So no I don’t see anything wrong. You’re jumping to conclusions… again.” She challenged right back.

“Well I am sorrrrrryyyy, but I don’t think that me being the _boyfriend_ should be in constant competition with the _best friend_.” He yelled.

“What did you say?” She asked incredulously.

“I’m in constant competition with Tobin and it’s not fair at all. When we fight and don’t talk for a few days, it’s okay. But god forbid you don’t talk to Tobin for one day and it’s the end of the world. Hell Alex! We even had to think about Tobin when I asked you to move in with me! I asked YOU to move in with me, not you AND Tobin!” Servando yelled.

“Don’t you yell at me like that! You know how important Tobin is to me. She is my best friend and partner in crime. Of course she is important to me. I see you every day so it’s a different kind of ‘I miss you.’ I haven’t seen Tobin in close to 5 months and for the last month of that I haven’t talked to her. I don’t know if she is busy, I don’t know if she is mad at me, I don’t know if she’s hurt, or anything for that matter. I can’t explain it, but Tobin is special to me and as my boyfriend you should support that. She means too much to me to lose.” Alex fired back at him with anger blazing in her eyes.

“Yeah, maybe too much.” He scoffed and turned to face the window.

“Excuse me?” Alex asked snippy.

“More times than not I feel like you would choose Tobin over me.” Servando deflated.

“That’s not true.” Alex softened.

“Yeah it is and you need to figure out who you want in your corner at the end of the day. I already did the whole sharing thing so now it’s time to choose.”

“Are you kidding me?! You’re really asking me right now to choose either my boyfriend or best friend? You know they’re different situations and I can have both.” Alex laughed disbelievingly.

“I’m not sure YOU can.” Servando deadpanned.

“Fuck you Servando. That is pretty low if you make me choose between you and my best friend. You need to get out of my house. We need a break.”

“Looks like you just made your choice.”

“GET OUT!” Alex yelled.

Servando left without another word. Alex screamed and threw a glass that was on the counter across the kitchen. She called Sydney to come over and they ordered in while Alex vented. Sydney left and Alex got into bed and called Tobin.

**Yo it’s Tobin. You know what to do.**

Missed called number 20.

Alex fell into a restless sleep and was on a plane the next morning repeating her thoughts from the day before.

_If you don’t **WANT** to talk to me, I’ll **MAKE** you talk to me._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds out.

**_Flight 436 to Paris, France will now be landing. Please put your seats and trays in the upright position. And once again, thank you for choosing American Airlines._ **

Alex let out a breath and momentarily shut her eyes. This was it. She was going to find Tobin and find out what has been up with the girl for the past month. The past month of silence that has driven Alex almost to her breaking point. No contact with the midfielder hurt worse than any challenge or fouls an opposing soccer player inflicted on her.  

The plane landed and Alex grabbed her bag and shuffled in and out of the plane with the other passengers. With a little bit of difficulty, Alex managed to follow the signs and get into a taxi and head towards Tobin’s apartment. Alex stared out the window lost in thought as she watched the buildings pass her by. Flashbacks of random moments with Tobin brought a smile to the forward’s face and seem to ease the nerves that started to grow once the plane landed.

_This is Tobin. Everything about her is so easy, so why be nervous? There is no need to be nervous as long as I know she is okay and that we are okay._

Alex tuned back into reality as the cab stopped and told her in broken English that they had arrived. She thanked and paid him, and headed into the complex towards Tobin’s apartment; 2 flights of stairs, third door on the right. She remembered Tobin telling her one night over Skype a while ago and it was no surprise that she remembered. She remembered everything about Tobin. Alex stopped in front of the white door in front of her and just stared at it for a few moments hoping Tobin is busy with soccer and nothing is wrong between them. Three raps on the door and she waited in silence. _Silence._ She was beginning to hate silence. Finally she heard a commotion on the other side of the door and braced herself.

“Hey, who is….. A-Alex?” Tobin stuttered.

“Hey Toby.” Alex smiled. 

The two just stared each other for a few seconds before Alex crashed into Tobin and wrapped her arms tightly around her neck. Instinctively Tobin wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and the two just swayed together.

“God I’ve missed you so much Tobs. It hurts so much not talking to you.” She nuzzled her in face in the crook of Tobin’s neck. She gulped but it went unnoticed by Alex. 

She felt guilty about the whole silence thing. She knew that not talking to Alex was hurting her, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to her. Throwing away that letter was one of the biggest mistakes and it was only a piece of paper. That’s the thing though; it wasn’t just a piece of paper. It was a piece of Alex that was for Tobin and for Tobin only. Tobin couldn’t think about any of that right now however. The only thing she could focus on was the girl wrapped up in her arms. The girl she hasn’t seen in five months. The girl she hasn’t talked to in one month. The girl that held more value to Tobin than any of her possessions. Tobin found her voice.

“Lex, it’s so good to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you for the past month.” Tobin choked on her words.

“It’s okay. I’m here now and I know you’re okay. We have to talk about it eventually, but right now I just want to be with you. I’ve missed you too much.”

Tobin nodded and tugged Alex towards her bedroom where they cuddled up and watched movies for the rest of the day. Alex was cuddled into Tobin’s side with her arm slung low over Tobin’s waist breathing low and even and Tobin knew she was asleep. Tobin zoned out from the TV and caught up in her own thoughts.

_I haven’t seen this girl for 5 months and it’s like I never left. She is so sweet and innocent and has no idea why I have been ignoring her. She knows there is something up because she even stated in the letter that I could be busy but we always make time to talk to each other. I’m going to have to tell her and I know it’s going to be harder than when I told her I was leaving for Paris._

She suddenly felt the high of Alex showing up wear off, and she was once again reminded of the guilt. As quietly and gently as she could, Tobin unwrapped herself from Alex’s hold and headed into the kitchen and made some tea. She was just making her cup when she heard shuffling behind her.

“I know that face. What’s wrong?” Lindsey piped up as she noticed the solemn look on Tobin’s face. Tobin sighed.

“Alex is here. She just showed up and I was so happy that I pushed away all the guilty feelings to the back of my mind because all I wanted was to be with her. Now I got trapped in my thoughts and remembered the reason for the guilt. I never told her about the letter I threw out.” Tobin didn’t look up from her cup and just swirled the spoon around. 

“You have to tell her Tobin. If I know anything about you two, you don’t keep secrets from each other. She will probably be mad, but I know you two will overcome it. She’s here for a reason.” Lindsey offered a smile and squeezed Tobin’s shoulder before heading out of the apartment. Tobin muttered thanks and continued to lean against the counter. She then felt slender arms around her waist.

“Hi best friend.” Alex murmured into the side of her neck. Tobin instantly flashed her goofy grin.

“Hey best friend.” She turned around and hugged Alex back.

They hugged for a few moments and Tobin let go and hopped up on the counter. She may have not seen the girl for five months, but Alex knew Tobin like the back of her hand. So of course she noticed the mood change right away.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked.

“I have something to tell you and you are not going to like it.” Tobin swung her legs as she looked at the ground. Alex moved to stand in front of Tobin and lifted her chin.

“Try me.” She softly commanded.

“I uh. Well I. I read your letter about Servando reading my letter and well.” Tobin looked down again. She didn’t know if she could do this.

“Toby, what is it?” Alex was getting worried.

“I uh. I got angry and wasn’t thinking and I sort of kind of maybe threw the letter out.” Tobin looked down and Alex just froze on the spot not sure if she heard correctly. After a few moments, Tobin looked up to see Alex standing there with the saddest blue eyes glistening with threating tears.

“You what?” Alex managed to get out.

“I threw the letter out. I’m so sorry. I was angry and before I could realize what was happening I threw out the letter. That’s why I have been ignoring you. I felt guilty throwing away the letter.”

Alex’s eyes narrowed at Tobin and she clenched her jaw.

“You threw away a letter?!” She stormed out the kitchen towards the living room.

“Alex wait! I’m sorry! I was blinded by anger and before I realized what was happening, I grabbed the letter and threw it and I’m sorry and I-“

“NO! I can’t believe you threw a letter away! Tobin these letters are pieces of you and me and they are special. How could you?!”

“Alex please! It was a huge mistake. I was mad and I wasn’t thinking clearly and before I knew it, it was gone. I never meant to hurt! That’s why I have been so distant this past month. I felt so guilty about throwing the letter away, I couldn’t bear to see or talk to you. It hurt too much and was a constant reminder of what I did!” Tobin had tears threating to fall and Alex never seen Tobin so raw and vulnerable. But that didn’t seem to matter because Alex was seeing red.

“Tobin I understand that you’re sorry but that sounds like nothing but a bunch of excuses to me. You didn’t throw just a piece of paper away. You threw personal thoughts that were only shared between us. Yes Servando read a part of our thoughts but I already yelled at him for it. He knew it was wrong and not much damage was done but this… this is different. You read the whole letter, and you threw it away. You threw a piece of me away.” Alex fired back with eyes burning into Tobin and Tobin literally felt her skin burning.

“Alex I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I have been so confused and guilty lately. I felt guilty for throwing the letter away, but I think it’s what my mind was trying to tell me about the lettering that was causing me the most trouble. Why did I get so mad that Servando read part of the letter? Why did I get jealous that you were going to move in with him and having to say good bye to the spontaneity of our friendship? I have no idea. All because of that, I threw away the letter. I regret it every single fucking day but I can’t change it. So you’re going to have to come to terms with it and we have to find a way to move on from this. It hurts so fucking bad to not have you in my life, and I had no one to blame but myself!” Tobin was full on crying now and caught Alex off guard because Tobin was never one to curse.

“I.I. I have to go. This is all too much. You don’t talk to me for a whole month and you throw out the one piece of communication that is most special. You don’t think this has been hurting me too? For GOD’S sake Tobin, it’s easy to not talk to my BOYFRIEND for a few days but kills me when I don’t talk to my best friend for a day. And YOU turned that one day into a whole month. How do you think that makes me feel? I know you are not good with words or go for lengthy speeches, but you should have talked to me about this. I have to go find a hotel.” Alex was pacing back and forth while glaring at Tobin.

“You don’t have to go. Stay here and we can fix this.” Tobin pleaded.

“I don’t know how to fix this.” 

“We can try. It’s us we are talking about.”

“I have to go.”

Alex grabbed her bag from the bedroom, pushed past Tobin and slammed the front door closed. Tobin went into her bedroom, opened the closet door and sank to the floor. She curled up with knees to her chest next to the box of letters and sat there and cried. 

She cried for the thrown away letter. She cried for her stupidity. She cried for herself. She cried for Servando. But most of all, she cried for Alex.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hearts finally realize what the subconscious minds knew all along.

She couldn’t believe her current situation. Here she was across the world, in a foreign country, by herself in a hotel, and the only person she does know is causing the heartache she feels in her chest. She felt stupid for coming. How did things go from feeling so right to feeling so wrong? Alex sat against the headboard of the hotel bed with her knees to chest and looked out the window. After fighting the urge to cry in front of Tobin, Alex finally stopped fighting. She let the tears flow hard and fast down her cheeks. Through blurred vision, Alex looked out the window at the city street below so full of life and managed to laugh. The city street so full of life contradicted the numb lifeless feeling she felt inside her heart. Then she cried some more as she turned away from the window.

Alex cried for Servando. She cried for the failed relationship and the heartache that she caused him. Looking back, she always seemed to put him second and he didn’t deserve that. He was a great guy and treated Alex with respect. She couldn’t be angry at the way they left things because she realized he was acting out of heartbreak. Alex cried because Servando loved her with all of him and she loved him with only half of her. And if Alex was being honest with herself, this didn’t happen recently. No, thinking back, she wasn’t sure if she ever gave Servando all of her heart.

Alex cried for Tobin. Her best friend and her partner in crime and she ran away from her. The betrayal of Tobin throwing the letter away weighed heavy on Alex’s heart. She knew she overreacted a little bit because it was just a letter, but that was the problem; it wasn’t just a letter. With Tobin being gone and not seeing her in person for 5 months, the letters made Alex feel like Tobin was right there with her in Portland and not across the world in France. Seeing the words in Tobin’s messy handwriting made Alex **_feel_ ** Tobin right beside her. She could imagine the smile on the midfielder’s face when she read that she missed her. She could sense the laugh when she called Alex out for scoring the goal against New Zealand for her. She also could see the frown upon her face whenever she expressed just how much she hated the distance. So no, they weren’t just words written on a piece of paper and that’s why Alex got so mad. Tobin didn’t throw away a piece of paper. She threw Alex away metaphorically and that’s what hurt.

When Alex stopped crying and she felt like she couldn’t cry anymore even if she wanted too, she stood up and went over to the window to look out again. She leaned against the window and looked down to watch the busy city streets below. Focusing in and out of the world below, Alex’s mind started to wander. Tobin got mad at Servando for reading her letter and got jealous because he asked Alex to move in with him. She got mad at Tobin for throwing a letter away. Suddenly, it all started to make sense. Alex didn’t love Servando with all of her heart because she had already given it to Tobin. Did Tobin possibly feel the same way?

Alex and Tobin fit together perfectly like 2 puzzle pieces. Alex was the firecracker and Tobin’s chillness balanced her out and calmed her down. Tobin was literally Alex’s other half and it finally dawned on Alex’s mind. Alex didn’t miss Tobin because her best friend was gone. Alex missed Tobin because she was in love with her. How did she not see it before? It made perfect sense. Alex started to pace back and forth as her mind was on overdrive. There it was as clear as a sunny day; Alex had fallen for the midfielder. She grabbed her stuff and threw it in her bag and she ran towards the lobby to catch a cab. She had to fix this.

*****At the apartment*****

Tobin had picked herself up off of the floor and crawled into her bed. Alex had walked, no ran away from her. For all she knew, Alex could have went to the airport and gotten on the next flight back to the states. This made Tobin’s heart ache and made her feel numb. She didn’t know what to do to fix this or even if it could be fixed. Alex left Tobin behind to fall apart and she had no idea what this meant for their friendship. She wasn’t sure even what they had was even friendship; well on her end anyway. Crying on the floor next to the box of letters, Tobin’s came to a realization that she had fallen for the forward. That’s why she got jealous about her moving in with Servando. With every letter she wrote, and every letter she received, Tobin fell more and more in love with Alex. But it didn’t matter now. Alex had left and Tobin had no idea if and when she’d come back. She felt like she lost her best friend and now her love and she felt like her world was falling apart.

Suddenly Tobin heard 3 bangs on the door. Wondering who it could be, she got up to answer it. As soon as she opened the door, she froze in her spot.

“Hey. Can I come in?” Alex hesitantly asked. All Tobin could do was nod and step to the side to let Alex through.

Alex walked in and sat on the arm of the couch and faced Tobin. “Tobin I’m sorry for running out of here. I’m sorry for yelling and getting so mad at you. I don’t want to fight with you. This is us we are talking about; we never fight. It’s always pretend fights and on the rare occasion we do fight, it never lasts more than an hour because we literally can’t stay mad at each other.” 

“Then why did you?” Tobin asked. It wasn’t mean or accusatory. It was gentle and based on simple curiosity. Tobin’s gentle voice seemed to relax Alex and she continued on.

“I initially was really mad at you and wanted space. I checked into a hotel and being alone got me thinking. I had a sort of epiphany if you want to call it that and it made me realize some things. I got mad that you threw a letter away because I felt like you threw a part of me away. Tobin your letters made me feel like you were in Portland with me. I felt every emotion myself as if I was seeing you express them. I figured if I felt that way about the letters, you did too and it upset me that you got rid of one. I know you didn’t mean it, but it still hurt.” Alex took a breath as she looked Tobin in the eyes.

“I understand completely because it was the same way for me. Alex you know I don’t really have regrets, but throwing away that letter is one of the biggest regrets I have. My heart hurt more and more with each new text message saying you missed me and to please call you. When I got your second letter, it broke me to pieces. It was moments like those that made me want to drive to the city dump and go knee deep in garbage to the find the letter. So for that, I am so sorry. I felt so guilty and I do wish I could take it back.” Tobin held Alex’s gaze and the honesty in her voice provided Alex the bit of courage she needed to tell Tobin what she wanted to say next. 

“You don’t have to apologize Tobin but I really do appreciate it. I have to tell you something else I realized.” Tobin’s ears perked up at this and intently looked at Alex. Alex took a deep breath. It was now or never.

“Servando got pissed that I flew here to see what was up with you. He claimed that I valued your friendship more than our relationship. We got into a huge fight, pretty much broke up, and I kicked him out of my house. Then I got on the plane to come here. I now realize that he was right. I was okay with not talking to him when we fought, but going days without talking to you was literally the worst and I couldn’t stand it. He loved me with all of him, and I loved him with only half of me; all because I had already given myself to you. Tobin you are literally my other half and I had fallen in love with you. I just wish my mind didn’t take until about 2 hours ago to realize that. I want to be honest with you, and a part of me tells me you feel this way too.” There, she said it. Alex shifted her gaze out Tobin’s living room window and waited for Tobin’s words. Good or bad, she had to know what the midfielder felt but was afraid to look at her.

“Alex look at me.” Tobin called. Alex turned around.

“It took me just as long so don’t feel bad. When you left, I hid in the closet next to the box I kept your letters in and cried. That’s when I realized everything that made no sense to me before made perfect sense now. That’s the moment I realized I was in love with you. I got jealous that Servando asked you to move in because that meant you’d move out from our world. I want our world to continue; just you and me in Portland.” Tobin finished and they were in a staring contest daring each other to make the next move first.

Alex broke first. She moved from the couch toward Tobin and stopped right in front of her. She took Tobin in: Her hair in a messy bun, _her_ Cal hoodie AND soccer shorts, and her beachy scent that seemed to be permanently present even in cold and rainy Paris. She focused back in on Tobin’s face and her eyes darted to her lips then back into the honey brown eyes she loved. Alex leaned in and Tobin met her halfway. It was tentative and exploratory and Alex smiled into the kiss. A few minutes later they broke apart and rested against each other’s foreheads with smiles on their faces.

“You, me, and Portland. Now that sounds like a perfect plan.” Alex smiled even more brightly.

“Yes it sure does.” Tobin matched her grin and leaned in again for another sweet kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end folks! Hopefully it wasn't too terrible haha. Feedback welcomed and appreciated. Thank you so much for reading! :)


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